Australia Votes. Alice advises

“Is it Mintalia Crash, or Montalia Cosh? Maybe Mentalia Gnash. Yeah, I think that’s it” (type, type, type).

Alice Piddens was going all electoral and nutting out some voting advice to put on her Stop that Nonsense FB page. She’d already set out a good deal of ‘Voting Wisdom’. 

Stuff like:

Avoid anyone spruiking ‘Freedom!’ Their ‘freedom’ usually comes at the expense of somebody else’s.

Ditto for ‘Liberty’. It only shows they snarfed Trump’s Kruel Aid and are not well.

Dodge the ‘Patriots’. Anyone who has to proclaim it probably wouldn’t be much use in a place like Ukraine.

Avoid any party with ‘Family’ in its name, unless you favour cults, theocracies or, of course, the Mansons.

Similarly, with ‘National’. A German bloke already stuffed that name up for us.

You have to wonder what the ‘Liberals’ have been liberal with. Favours, pork-barrelling maybe, but certainly not the truth lately.

And the spelling of ‘Labor’ is embarrassing for an education-friendly party.

Give anyone who looks or sounds fierce a wide berth. 

I’m talking Margaret Thatcher, Bronwyn Bishop, Bob Knutter, Angrus Taylor, Mantalia Gnash, Bingeitt McClaypigeon, Pawlette Handsan and the like. 

You catch more bees with honey than a sour puss.

Similarly, anyone who names a party after themselves shows an un-Australian lack of humility.

Even infamous dictators like Adolf, Stalin, Putin, Idi, Assad, you name them, didn’t do that. 

You’ve got to be self-deprecating to earn any respect. The Clive Palmer Is A Trump Wannabe party might get some votes.  The Pauline Hanson Has Got To Be Kiddingparty could be in with a chance.

‘Just like that,’ Wes announced as he completed the rebuilderation of a chainsaw carburetor on the kitchen table (Cleanliness is essential with a carby, Alice) and mooched over to his Life Coach and Moral Compass.

‘Watcha doing?’

‘Voting advice for Facebook.’

‘Hoo hoo! You’re giving everyone a serve.’

‘I’m nothing if not impartial.’



‘What about ‘Life’?


‘The ones who’ve got it in for any poor bugger who needs an abortion or some gender surgery or who needs to pull the pin from unbearable brain cancer.’

‘What about an unbearable Life Partner?’

‘Low blow, Alice. Low blow.’

‘But OK, ‘Life’ parties go on the list.’

Wes was on a roll – an electoral roll.

‘How about preferences? Hasn’t Whatshisface down the road directed his first preference to the Jive Palmolive Untied Dog Party candidate? What’s that about?

‘Desperation.  Lie down with pigs and you smell of gherkins. Right (typing), Preferences are a good indication of a candidate’s slipperiness.’

‘Barnalby Joice.’

‘Barnalby Joice. (typing) Say no more.’

‘Now, the Nissan Cedric Owners Party.’

‘Say what, Wes?’

‘Single issue candidates. I mean, good on them for appreciating classic cars, but where do they stand on fossil fuelery and coal worship and sucking up to criminal regimes and big business rather than getting a proper integrity commission, and funding aged care instead of going to the cricket?’

‘Got it. (typing) Do your homework on single issue candidates. They might be great on Buying Australian, but they could think that climate change was invented by alien probe troops to wreck the aluminium foil industry.’

‘Whip it, Alice. Whip it good.’

‘Now,  for a deep quote: ‘Elections are no time to be selfish. Choose someone else and vote for the one who’d help them the most (Wexforde Brandish).’

‘Right. Well, that’s probably enough.  I’ll just add this: “Fact Check, and check your Fact Check. Trust the ABC. Trust The Indy. And trust Alice Piddens.” Done.’

‘Just like that. Nice. Now tell me who you’re going to vote for.’

‘Sure, I’m going to vote for…’A lesson to us all.


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