Having rescued, in a breathtaking series of reforms, the worlds of horse racing and cricket from depravity and lacklustrousness, I now turn my gimlet eye upon tennis in a sincere attempt to excise its more preposterous features.
I’m confining my reforms to the Australian Open. Let’s face it, only toffs stay up to watch Wimbledon.
First, Novak Djokovic. If infants school kiddies can get it, why can’t he? No Hat No Play, No Exceptions. “I don’t care if you’re the best hopscotch player in the universe, Novak. You’re not going out into the playground without a hat. Oh, you haven’t got a hat because when you were in Spain, when you said you weren’t, a dog ate your hat? I doubt that very much, Novak, but that’s OK; we’ll give you another hat. Now, are you going to wear it, or are you going to sulk? Yes, I know Mr Tennass said you didn’t have to, but Mr Tennass is a toady and you scammed him. Now take the hat, or I’m phoning your father to come and collect you.”

Next, no ball stuffing.
Blokes with lumpy pockets full of tennis balls?
It’s a terrible look.
And I don’t know exactly where or how the women actually stuff them to defy gravity that way, but it’s just weird.
In fact, why all the balls anyway?
The poor little Ball Persons have to scamper around like Jack Russells in some perpetual emu parade fetching them, and it wears the assiduous munchkins out.
Haven’t you seen them there, squatting and panting like demented Cubs and Brownies in some moon-baying ceremony?
Have pity.
No, let’s go with just one ball for the whole match.
It’s fair.
It disadvantages no one except international rubber barons and ball consortiums.
It’s more sustainable.
It will make play more interesting.
Players will have to adjust their strokes to deal with the deteriorating ball.
And if the thing eventually falls apart you just play on with the largest surviving fragment.
Now that’s a real test of skill.
And let’s not stop with the ball.
Isn’t it sickening to watch a player smash their racket in a petulant frenzy?
We’ll soon sort that out.
One racket only.
