Numerous readers have been bugging me lately about Waxy Noggins. What else have I discovered? Where did he end up? Did he ever find love again?
Waxy who? Waxy Noggins, the legendary waxhead builder and visionary of the Sixties; creator of the famous Bonalbo Beach Houses; instigator of the circular cattle yard and who knows what else. That’s who.
Guess what? Hard on the heels of last month’s announcement that Bonalbo’s Nissan Cedric Museum will also house a World Spirit Level Display comes a discovery that … well, Paul Keating puts it this way, Y’know, talk about significant. This thing will have those curator types at The Louvre sitting up and soiling their culottes.
We’ve found Waxy Noggins’s actual spirit level! Yep.
The bird’s foot ‘W’ burned into the wood is a dead giveaway, plus the board wax. Waxy was famous for waxing his level for grip and preservation.
Keen eyes will spot the splash of pastel yellow paint the exact same shade as the famous Yellow Bonalbo Beach house. But here’s the coup de clenche, the level’s provenance has been confirmed by the man who got it from Waxy himself, Lachie Holmes.
We tracked Lachie to his pastel yellow beachside bungalow at Evans. I’ll let him tell the story in his own words.
“Yes, that’s my level, and Waxy gave it to me. Where on Earth did you find it? (more on that later)
“It was 1964, and I was working as an apprentice chippy for Choppy McRebate doing renos at Bonalbo Pub, and Waxy swung by to ask Chop if he could pinch me for a day or two to hand up the big sheets of iron for the roof of the Yellow House. Chop told Waxy it’d cost him a lime milkshake and a Choo-Choo Bar and Wax said, Done! They were mad buggers.
“I ended up working with Waxy for a few weeks, and we bonded. He even took me surfing at Evans one weekend. He liked a joke, but he said deep stuff too. One day, out of the blue, he says, Everything in the universe matters, but not much, and not for long, so make sure you do what really matters to you.
“When we’d finished painting the Yellow House, Waxy paid me and he said, My work here is done. I’m hittin’ the frog and toad tomorrow.
“Where you headed?”
West.
I want you to have this level, Lachie. Won it off an old bricklayer in an epic rubber-chewing contest at Coogee Pub. Nothing wrong with it, but I’ve got an aluminium one. Always check with both sides of the level because once a house goes the wonk it’s a bugger to straighten.
“Thanks, Wax.”
Hot tip for you: circular cattle yards. They’re gonna take off, mate. Also, remember termites are smarter than they look.
“Last time I saw him.
“I lost that level. Broke my heart.
“Dance at Old Bonalbo Hall. Just ducked outside to water a lemon tree when I heard this girl saying, Not if you were Roy Orbison’s cousin. Not if you had Rudolf Nureyev’s feet. Take your hands off me!
“She was getting hassled by Tidal Moriarty, a bricklayer on the Pub job. I stepped in. He slunk off calling us some words. Wendy Watson and I ended up having a couple of nice dances. (wistful expression)
“After Smoko on Monday I looked around for my level, and it was gone. Chop was all, Ooh, if Waxy finds out you’ve lost it he’ll come back and spifflicate ya! But he helped me hunt for it. No luck.
“Woofy Stench, the plumber, hung back after knockoff to mention that he’d seen Tidal tucking something under a tarp in his ute during Smoko.”
And you know why they call him Tidal, don’t you? Because he lifts stuff regularly.
“Well, the next day after work I followed Tidal. All the way to Bean Creek Falls. Was he just going for a swim? Or was my level too hot to handle and going over the falls?
“I confronted him as he stood haughtily above the falls. You stole my level, you dingo!“
I haven’t got your stupid level. Anyway, you should take more care, instead of going all infartuated and inblivious over that insolvent tart of Old Bonalbo!
“Where is it, Moriarty?”
Pop’s may know what lies beneath, but you will never, hahaha!
“He picked up a handful of gravel, pegged it at me and just disappeared. That was the last anyone saw of him – true dinks.
“But where on earth did you find my level?”
Tradies renovating Bonalbo Hall last week found it stashed under the stage.
“Of course!”
Huh?
“Lies beneath. Pop’s. Pop’s!”
What? Wait … Oh.
A lesson to us all
Bullgoose
and then