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Chez Piddens
Wes, wake up!
Zzz … zzz…brrfft… ggnorrrzzzzfft
(vicious elbow work)
Wake up!
Brrzzz…rrufff…ggorr…Help! What?
There’s someone outside.
Well, not everybody can be inside all the time, Allie. Good night. Zzzzzrrrft.
Oh no you don’t. Wake up and listen. The dog’s been going off.
You know Brucie’s got a hair trigger. He goes off every time Putin sends another drone at Ukraine.
What if someone’s lurking out there?
Well, Brucie will take their leg off, or bite them in the kidney, and we’ll get sued.
What if they shoot him?
Dog shooters? I’ll need to be well-rested if I’m to go out and deal with crazed pooch-snuffers. Sweet dreams…zzzzrf.
So, you want me to go out and face a maniac? My hero!
Zzz…pfttrr…oh, f’cryin’…Has the dog gone quiet?
Well, yes, but…
Ok, well, they’ve shot him with a silencer or a bow and arrow, or put Roofies in his kibble.
Roofies?
Or, and I do favour this conclusion, there’s nobody there.
(Allie cocks an ear. Cane toads rattle) Anyway, it’s time you got up. You can tidy up the rat’s nest on your bedside table. It’s an embarrassment. Look, wire, pens, cables, unread books. Fire brigade stuff, pliers. Super Glue. Is that a cordless grinder? We’re sleeping in the Power Tools aisle at Bunnings. Only the most deved-up deviant would keep a grinder in the bedroom. And what’s this? Rolls of tape.
Well, it’s a long way to the workshop if ya want a rockin’ roll of duct tape.
I don’t care, Bon Snott. Tidy it up.
Yes, Mum.
(A banging on the door)
What the hell? I told you. It’s the maniacs.
(voice at door) Open up, Piddens. I know you’re in there.
Noooooooooo! It can’t be!
‘Fraid so, Allie. It’s…
(together) Frenchie Fargas!!!
Go out and shoot him, Wes. Or at least pummel him about the head and shoulders for twenty minutes. That man is a menace.
(more door banging) Come on out, Piddens. Nobody stiffs Frenchie Fargas!
That’s it. I’m calling the Police.
Hang on. I’ll just give him the Bum’s Rush.
The what?
I’ll turf him. (heads for the door)
???
Hit the road, Frenchie. You know you’re not welcome here.
Why you, I oughta!
You’ve repeatedly frightened and insulted my wife, defrauded the community and robbed me of essential beauty sleep, so take your snake oil and toad venom somewhere else, pronto!
Wah! No! hear me out, Piddens. I’ve flipped a new leaflet. I’m just looking for answers.
Everybody’s looking for answers, Frenchy, but civilised folks make appointments.
Grrrr!
Look, I don’t want to be hurtful, but I think your answer lies in a padded cell.
Fftt, fftt. Can I just ask you a couple of questions?
Well, ok, but keep it short and civil.
You’re in the Fire Brigade, right?
The RFS, yep.
That truck, carries a lot of water, yes?
‘Bout three thousand litres.
How long is your hose?
About fifty metres. The canvas ones are shorter but you can join them together.
Excellent. And she’s a four-wheel drive?
Yep.
Ok, well I want to join. Sign me up.
Allie: What’s happening Wes?
Wes: It’s cool (I think).
Keep her out of it.
Are you sure you’ve turned over a new leaf?
Scout’s honour.
You really want to join the RFS?
Right here, right now.
Don’t think it’s gonna work, Frenchy.
Nobody rejects Frenchy Fargas!
First, you’ve got to fill out an online application and provide five identity documents.
That’s fine. I’ve got lots of identities.
No, that’s the problem: one identity, five documents.
Nazis!!
And then there’s an interview and a Police check.
You’re kiddin’ at me, aren’t you, Boyo?
Frankly, Frenchy, I’d give up now. You are not of good character, and you will fall at every hurdle in the application process.
Bah! Bah! I mean, ok, you’re right of course, Mr Wes. It was just a dream. I just need to throw myself into the Sago Restaurant project and serve the community in that way. I’m, I’m sorry. All the best at you, and please apologise to your sweet wife, Ellie-Mae, for me.
(Frenchy leaves. Dog barks.) Nice doggie.
(Allie appears) Well? What happened? Is he still around? Tell me everything he did.
He apologised to you.
I smell a French rat. He’s headed up somebody’s drainpipe. You mark my words.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.
Fire truck stolen from RFS station
A Fire Tanker was stolen from Bonalbo RFS station in the early hours of Friday morning. Police subsequently located the vehicle abandoned at ‘Paddys Flat Pyramid and Sago Plantation’. It had apparently been used to irrigate sago palms and rubber trees. The plantation owner, Grayson LeFong, 35, of ‘here and there, Buddy’, is assisting Police with their enquiries.
A lesson to us all
Bullgoose