Treasured readers continue to bugpester me for more news of my research into the life, times and fate of legendary waxhead builder and thinker, Waxy Noggins. Well, serendipitydoodah! I copped some exciting correspondence from a Typhanny Swyper, 35, carpenter/preg tester of Evans Head a few weeks back, and… well, the news couldn’t be bigger.
Typhanny has unearthed the fabled Waxometer, a gauge owned and used by Noggins and utilised in the design and construction of the cherished Bonalbo Beach Houses back in the Sixties. What a score.
‘I was rooting around under the Evo Surf Club looking for a surfboard charm that came adrift from my bracelet while I was doing some… personal research with The Brute (Brutal McSpray, 35, inmate, Goulburn SuperMax) back in the day. He’s a rat. I know that now.
‘Anyway, I banged my knee on this rusty old toolbox buried under all the bitou bush, pigface and Redskins wrappers, and there’s this gizmo inside. It had “W” engraved on it, and I immediately thought “Waxy”, because I read all your columns. They’re great. I knew I just had to let you know.’
Well, I took delivery and did my due diligence. Yep, it’s the Real Deal. I spoke to an old builder (Percy Nipp, Room 35, BUMA Assisted Living, Rappville), who made gestures confirming that he saw Waxy using it while building the Bonalbo Beach Houses in 1963.
Although his famous Beach Houses were a pastel feast of straight lines and countervailing angles, Waxy was obsessed with roundness. He often sported a T shirt with the message: “TRIBREM – Too round is barely round enough, man”.
Apparently, he could draw a perfect circle freehand but was never satisfied. Whenever he cut a hole for conduit, plumbing etc, he would use the Waxometer to confirm that the hole was absolutely circular. Serious builders would ask their apprentices what they had planned for the weekend (‘Goin’ to the beach/pub/rodeo/ cricket/footy/ Easybeats concert/all of the above’).
‘Do yourself a favour, son. Go check out some of Waxy’s holes.’
Some say Jorn Utzon borrowed the gauge to check something on the Sydney Opera house, but then again some say you can trust Trump and Putin. Paul Keating is dubious.
‘I mean, I was still in short pants and a Beatle Wig when they built the Op House, but I wagged school to rock up and see Paul Robeson sing Ole’ Man River on site to the building workers that day. Talk about moving. Mate, I cried salt tears and wet myself twice. Had to spend my lunch money on a box of Kleenex. Funny, apparently Albo was there with his Mum, but he was tiny and bald and had no teeth and was sucking on a bottle of milk, so I wouldn’t have known him anyway.
‘I bonded with three things that day: Paul Robeson, the labour movement and the Opera House. There’s not much I haven’t found out about that building, and I’ve never heard of the Waxy connection. Look, Utzon was pretty shirty when Askin and his conservative penny pinchers and purse liners stiffed him on the Opera House deal, so he wasted no time in POQ-ing back to Little Mermaid Land to lick his wounds over a few Tuborgs and rollmops etc, so he wouldn’t have had much time to motor up to Bonalbo and pal up with Waxy.
‘I will say this, though. The sails of the Opera House are all in fact segments of a massive, wait for it… sphere, and you don’t get much rounder than a sphere, do you? So, yeah, maybe Utzo did hit up Waxy for his Waxometer.’
Typhanny Swyper has generously donated the Waxometer. (‘You keep it, Bullnose. It’s got such a strong Bonalbo connection; It should stay there’). I did try using it, but I’m buggered if I can work out how to operate the thing. It’s definitely going on display, with Waxy’s spirit level, at the Bonalbo Nissan Cedric Museum and International Spirit Level Display/CWA Rooms, just as soon as we can get it happening.
Although she has only actually ever been in a Nissan Cedric for two photo shoots, legendary Aussie singer, Dannielle DeAndrea, is still mad keen to perform at the opening.
‘Dear, Bullgooser, I’ve got nothing against spirit levels and random apparatuses, so if you can knock up a song about a Waxometer, I’ll sing it, for sure. Hey, can you use a Waxometer on your legs?’
Typhanny had been so generous with her donation I felt I needed to go down to Evans and give her a hand to search for her surfboard charm. Guess what? We found it.
‘What will you do with it now, put it on another bracelet?’
‘No way, Bullman. I’m gonna melt it down and cast it into a filthy rat and post it to Goulburn SuperMax.
‘!!!’
‘Look, he broke my heart. I’m over that, mostly, but he attacked a bicycle with an axe outside the Illawong Hotel. That is unacceptable!’
A lesson to us all.
Bullgoose