In news that has rocked the architectural world to its 32 megaPascal concrete foundations we learn that one of the legendary Bonalbo Beach Houses has been repainted – a different colour!
The once-pastel Yellow House has gone grey overnight.
The Bonalbo Beach Houses were constructed in the mid 1960s by legendary enigmatic surfie builder, Waxy Noggins, as part of his personal mission to bring surf culture to ocean-deprived regions of the continent and do it in time for the 50,000th anniversary of the land bridge from Southeast Asia to Australia.
He built two houses in Bonalbo: one pink and one yellow, before pointing his Ford Customline inland, ever inland.
Furious lashing and backlashing has erupted, like formal-eve acne, between Paul Keating and the Society of Architects, the main thrust of which thrusts around whether or not a non-heritage-listed heritage building should be permitted to go chameleon without the involvement of our consultants (Architects Society)/those mendacious remoras (Keating).
The Tubbmans Colour Guide lists the grey as Beach Shack, which would tend to suggest that the colour change, while radical, would still hang with a beach vibe.
However, ArchSoc insists consultants should have been brought in to advise on whether the paint should have been applied with sprayer, roller, pure badger bristle brush or some other artisanal device of the 1960s.
Keating riposted Artisanal device? Mate, they can apply it with their freckled arses as far as I’m concerned. I mean these twittering ponces couldn’t pick the Taj Mahal from Jupiter’s Casino if it landed on their heads.
Local reaction has gone lighter on the froth and spittle.
Speaking on condition of anonymity from the veranda of the Dog and Bull Hotel, Bonalbo, Master Painter and Decorator, Winky Spatters, said, Don’t know the house you’re talking about, mate, but grey’s alright. Beach Shack, Storm Cloud, Shark Fin, Pewter Mullet, they’re all good. Just keep that beach vibe goin’ and use plenty of drop sheets. I would have quoted on the job myself, but I’m gonna be repainting Coraki until the year 2057.
Leering dementedly, Mr Spatters added, Irrespective of anything, I’ll tell you this for freakin’ free: grey covers a multitude of sins. A multitude! (Winks)
It seems everybody has an opinion.
Speaking from her abdomen, Byron Bay Influencer, Healer and Businessthey, Pria Tenshuss, chanted, Manifesting as a beach house, this structure and abode self-identifies as part of the Byron Nation and as such should not be re-painted or re-habited without, at the very least: an un-smoking ceremony; a re-smoking ceremony; a past lives recollection (with an emphasis on Egyptian princesses); energy luxation; chlorine dioxide enemation; palm-reading; tarot reading and a mindful wellness rave with a very spiritual DJ from Israel called Bari-Um. He totally rules Insta and I will book his manifestation for you.
But one other modification to the Yellow (now Grey) House has elicited a Hallelujah Chorus of joyful unanimity.
The front stairs are gone. Yep. No front stairs. Apparently Waxy Noggins designed his beach houses that way. He wanted the ocean-deprived residents to wake up in the morning, fling open the front door and feel like they were standing above the cliffs on a headland checking out the surf. Radical!
Apparently, the ‘abomination’ steps were tacked on in the early seventies after an unfortunate incident at a sixth birthday sleepover.
How do we know that Waxy designed his houses to have no steps, when he hasn’t been reliably sighted since the 1980s?
Well, in sensational news we can now report that Waxy’s daughter, Waxy Junior Chumleavy, has been located. Yep, and she has kindly spilled the beans, the brown rice and the pink zinc on her legendary dad. Stay tuned.
A lesson to us all.
Bullgoose
Waxy leaves Mavis up the duff, builds beach houses in Bonalbo then goes west
and then