The Piddens farm.
Dogs bark.
Car coming up the track, Dad.
“A cloud of dust on the long, white road…”
Huh?
Anyone we know, Big Minch?
Don’t think so.
Strangers, eh? I like strangers: they’re so (leers) easy to polish. Hahahaha!
Dad!
Tourists marooned by Google Maps?
They’re too well dressed.
Little Minch: Government fat cats? Grrr! (Minchy hated fat cats from birth – no idea why)
Cool it. Not Fat Cats.
Ow! He thwacked me, Dad.
It’s probably zealots, or herbal supplement influencers. This could be fun.
Who is it, Wes?
Dad says zealots.
Oh, here we go! Boys, run out the back and play with the chainsaws or something. This could get weird.
Knock, knock.
Hello, we’re…
At last! Come in. Don’t worry about your shoes. I’ll blame the mud on you.
Thank you. We’re…
Here. Have a seat. Something to drink? We’ve got low calorie fruit cup cordial, hot or cold. I take mine with milk.
No, thank you. We’re…
Biscuit? Alice made some DIY Tim Tams last week. Nothing like the real thing, but the dogs don’t mind them.
No, really. We’re…
Any of those Tim Tams left, Allie? Allie? Probably hiding in the kitchen. She gets embarrassed. Oh, not of herself. Of me. She reckons I haven’t got the brains to operate a paper bag. Harsh, don’t you think?
Actually, we’re…
Oh, how rude of me. What is it that brings you to this, our very door?
We’re visiting people in the district…
Lovely!
We’re visiting people in the district to ask them a question.
What, like a quiz? Awesome dosh prize?
A very important question.
I’m intrigued.
Have you been saved?
Oh yes! Certainly!
Visitors’ faces light up.
Many a time.
Faces dullen.
Many are the times I have been saved. By Alice. From fashion crimes; from putting my big foot in my mouth; from having opinions; from having fun, from…
No, has your soul been saved?
Course not. Haven’t got one.
Everyone…
But do they? Really? I’ve doing fine without a soul, star sign or aura.
Everyone has a soul, and when that great day comes they will be gathered unto…
I’m gonna stop you there. Sorry, I didn’t get your name.
Barry, and this is Liddene.
Of course you are. And I’m Wes. I have to answer to You big idiot around here, but sometimes she runs out of breath and just says Wes.
Well, er, every marriage has its…
Barry and Liddene, I’m just going to stop you and explain that we don’t mention names in this house.
No names? But you just…
Oh. Your names and ours are absolutely fine. Just no other names.
No names?
That’s right. It’s the way we do things in this house, and I know you will respect that.
But…
Oh, you don’t respect that?
Yes, of course we do, but…
Much of the trouble in this world has been caused by people using names, and we want our home to be an oasis of peace.
Yes, but…
Now call me a smarty clairvoyant, but I’m guessing you’re here to tell me all about the glories of ‘Someone With A Name’ and what I’m expected to do to stay in their good books.
Speaking of good books, it is written in the…
Barry…
It is written in the…
Come on, Barry.
It is written in… A Book…
Nice one, Barry. Go on,
Well, it is written in A Book, that Someone With a Name wants us to come to him…
Or her?
What?
There’s no name, so we can’t know the gender, can we, Liddene?
I… The Person With a Name wants us to live with…
Try Him/Her/Them.
OK, live with Him/Her/Them in…
Where, Liddene?
In…a…place…
Oh, Barry and Liddene! It certainly is swell news. “A person with a name wants us to come to him/her/they and live in a place.” Forever? Hmm, that could be a little bit creepy, but no, look thank you. I’m glad you shared the good news with me, and I’m sorry I haven’t got a soul. I really am.
Shuffles them to the door.
Now you two take care, and watch out for that other farcical Person With a Name who lives in that hot place underground. ‘Bye.
Liddene: Maybe if we sent a Senior Elder…
Barry: Nope, that man will burn, and I’m not putting him out.
A lesson to us all.
Bullgoose
