Some people are never satisfied. Frankly, some of these people are never particularly satisfactory in themselves, but I’m not here to cast Bullgoosic shade over their already benighted lives. I just kinda wish they’d had mothers like mine, who’d cut short my entitled whingeing with, ‘Ok, so your sausages taste a bit gamey. There are children starving in Africa, so eat your dinner!’
The correct term for these people is thayortas. No, not aortas. Aortas carry blood, or oxygen, or carbon dockside, or alveoli, or aioli, or nerve impulses, or rash impulses, or whatevers, from your heart, or brain, to your mitochondria, or hypochondria – something along those lines anyway. But definitely not aortas. Thayortas.
Thayortas are people who are always piping up with ‘Thayorta do something about (the potholes, the migrants, the cost of midweek spa getaways, the potholes, the commos, the dead cat in my backyard, the potholes…)’. It seems like Thayortas can only speak in the third person. Maybe some of them can speak in the second person: ‘Youorta do something about…’, but you don’t often hear them uttering, ‘Iorta’ or ‘I’vegottagoodmind’, or ‘ I’magonna‘, or better still, just going out and doing what’s got to be done.
Ok, so I’m a big-time mover and shaker. There’s no getting away from it. I suppose it’s not surprising people want me to sort things out for them, but it’s exhausting. It really is.
Take the Mallanganee Observatory. A deadset triumph, but the thing had only been open a few weeks before the Thayorta swarm kicked off with calls for me to ‘reform the observatory’.
Bullgoose, why don’t you reform the observatory? Puffy Nethers, 35, Toadstool Sniffer, Caniaba.
White Elephant! Dumbo, 35, Elephant, Dizzy World.
Bullboy, where’s the interpretive walk for Imagination Compromised people? Roger Nut, 35, Nut, Drake.
Ballboy, the thing is round. Why don’t you rock the Round Ball Code and stage the FIFA World Cup up there? Pony Topovic, 35, Coach, Potts Point.
The walls and roof are full of holes. It’s cold. Do something, Bullrout! Darcy Bloke, 35, Astrologer and Flyscreens, Shannonbrook.
Won’t you sign in, stranger? Donald Fagen, 35, Writes a few songs, NYC.
Thayorta have screwed down their solar setup better. Anonymous, 35, Thief and Scumbag, Around and About.
Back-flipped off the top on my eScooter – fully goated fire! Sench Toffly, Gen Alpha, Casino.
Get down from there! His Mum, 35, Mum, Casino
Six-Seven, Mumly! Sench Toffly.
86 sea shells in your backside! His Mum.
??? Rude. Sench Toffly.
That thing will only attract devil-worshippers, and also it causes potholes. Where’s the coffee van? Where are the massages? Fix it, Bullbunter! Con Spiressy, 35, The Lone Truth Teller, Hogarth Range.
But how can I reform something that’s just fine as it is?
Granted, there have been some sensible suggestions, such as putting the proposed Bonalbo Nissan Cedric Museum and International Spirit Level Display/CWA Rooms up there next to the Observatory. Ok, it’s an attractive idea at first sight, but Bonalbo doesn’t really want to hog Mallanganee’s limelight, or more accurately starlight. Besides, we’d much rather have the legions of Nissan zealots and bubble-headed spirit level freaks flocking to the Bonalbo CBD and spending awesome dosh on tasteful merch and scoffing local scones, so I’ve got to say the nay no.
This one might be worth following up:
‘I’ve got two words for you: Brian Cox’. Brian Cox, 35, Handsome Physicist, Astronomer and Musician, Yorkshire.
Now this one is a definite goer. No Question.
Get Susanna Freymark up there to read from her book, Smoke. One of her stories is bound to have a mention of a star or a moon, or something. It’ll be as cultural and arty as all get-out.
Tim Winton, 35, Legendary Waxhead Author, WA.
Ok, so we’ve got Brian Cox and Susanna Freymark. Now for my reform. Here it comes.
I am not going to reform the Mallanganee Observatory. No, I’m going to reform The Sleeping Giant instead.
I’m starting a Go Fund Off to raise 27 million bucks to string 42 kilometres of LED fairy lights across Wollumbin (Mt Warning) and the McPherson Range to outline the Sleeping Giant, so it can be observed from Mallanganee Observatory, not only by day, but also by night. 
No, no, don’t thank me. It’s just what I do. Dig deep.
A lesson to us all
Bullgoose