Bullgoose is not here. Sorry. He is missing. AWOL.
Some say he is off on a male bonding trip with Wes Piddens, scouring the swap meets and garage sales of Panania, Wagga Wagga and Bogantungan for components necessary to convert a Nissan Cedric into a competition barbecue smoker.
Some say he has eloped with Alice Piddens.
Some say he suffered a horrific ear injury/adornment in a tragic buffalo fly ear-tagging mishap.
Some say he has been headhunted for CEO of the re-birthed NRLX and also Kyogle Council.
Some say he has been headhunted, literally, by a foam-flecked posse of wellness influencers, homeopaths and casino operators who want to silence him.
Some say he has been approached by NRL/FIFA/Polocrosse Australia and/or the World Vigoro Federation to completely reform their sports.
Some say he has been approached by Steely Dan to write the liner notes for their next album. Others say, ‘No, it’s Taylor Swift’.
Some say that while fighting a recent bushfire south of Tabulam he was abducted by aliens at this spot:
Some say he’s been approached by The Readers Digest to edit a new version of the Old Testament which will have all the mad, contradictory and improbable stuff left out. Others say he’s been approached by Hillsong to edit their new version of the Old Testament and come up with some new, extra, mad, contradictory and improbable stuff to shove in it.
Some say he was lost overboard near Montague Island, or even Seal Rocks, while solo skippering Taste and Decency, a three-metre tinnie, in the Sydney to Hobart. Others say he is in Hollywood/Bollywood pitching an idea for an American/Indian remake of the Woodburn flood epic, Tinnie Heroes.
Some say he is at Port Botany coordinating the loading of a mammoth consignment of much-needed sarcasm to Putin.
Some say he is in Billund, Denmark at world Lego headquarters life modelling for a new brick design.
Some say he’s been sued by vitamin supplement heiress, Quandaree Selflove, for ridiculing her plan to snaffle the famous Pink Bonalbo Beach House and truck it to Wategos for a play pad. She hasn’t denied it. Some say Paul Keating has launched a counter case: ‘I mean, these people. How’s their form? Their idea of heritage is a selfie of the tattoo of a flying fairy on their left buttock taken three weeks ago.’
Some say he is locked in a room creating a three-dimensional cryptic Wordle for Mensa.
Some say he and Indy sub editor, Louchee Barfon, are off presenting a case to the International Criminal Court seeking to have all apostrophes banned because they engender bafflement.
Some say he and Chuck Norris have been locked in an arm-wrestling battle at Dapto Roosters Darts Club for the past fortnight.
Some say he is standing guard on the Dulgigin Sphynx at Yates Flat, in case it gets further defaced.
Some say he is off competing in the second season of Alone Australia during which he will be deposited at a secret location equipped only with an eel cookbook, his grandmother’s nightie, some podcasts about ‘manifesting wellness’ and a 3kg block of dehydrated tomato sauce.
People say a lot of things, but we say Bullgoose is off being loved up by his three adorable granddaughters and will be back, madder than ever, with a lesson for us all in February.
and then