Chez Piddens. Alice steps into the yard and spots Wes kneeling in the tub of their new ute, fiddling with something.
Wes, I can’t reach the suitcase on top of the wardrobe. Can you … ? Wait! What are you doing?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing.
What’s that in your hand?
Nothing. (Wes fidgets)
Nothing?
Yep, nothing.
So, you’ve just stuffed nothing down the back of your pants?
I wasn’t doing any stuffing at all.
So, you were, what, fiddling?
Pardon?
You were fiddling with your bum?
No. Yes. I had a wedgie. Ooh, you’ve done something nice with your hair, Allie.
Oh, have I just?
Yep, and…
Wes, let me preface this next question with some critical information.
I, erm… go ahead.
You know I am not afraid to … rummage.
Erm, you can be quite … bold, yes.
And thorough.
(Gulps) Yes, thorough.
So, if I was to go rummaging around your buttockry and rear-dom, and the alleged wedgie…
I’d run away. Ha!
How very manly of you.
I’d take myself to a place of safety, rather than be brutally frisked about the derriere.
Shut up, Wes.
Bully!
If I was to go a-rummaging, would I happen to encounter that small tool thingy that arrived in the mail on Tuesday?
No. Never.
Don’t lie to me, Wes. Don’t lie to me!
Ok, ok, ok. If you did encounter anything during your unauthorised search, it would not be a ‘small tool thingy’.
Really?
Yes, really. It would be a Torx Plus Driver Bit.
Same difference.
Oh, Allie, I hate to mansplain, but…
So, don’t.
The Torx Plus Driver Bit is not a thingy: it is a highly specialised bit of kit used to…
To what, Wes?
To, to turn a certain sort of specialised screw.
And what would this specialised screw be used to secure?
Nothing. Just some boring, specialised things. Hang on, is that the landline ringing?
Don’t change the subject.
Could be someone important. Your Mum…
My mum warned me that there was less to you than meets the eye.
What? When? How dare she!
Are there any of these boring, specialised screws on this, our brand-new, Demonstrator Run Out, Ford Rager ute?
Perhaps.
And what might they be used to secure?
I wouldn’t like to say.
Might they be used to secure a part that we agreed was not to be removed?
(Wes mumbles) You agreed with yourself.
I beg your pardon?
I said, “You need to look after yourself”.
Liar! What are you trying to remove?
(Wes sobs) It’s tearing us apart, Allie!
Say it, Wes. Say it!
The… the… the Sports Bar! (collapses)
Conversations like this are happening all over the allegedly civilised world. Devoted and eternal relationships are being ripped asunder like kilted Mel Gibsons. Grown men sob themselves to sleep in doghouses, while women wonder who will get the lid off the pickle jar.
There’s a dread evil abroad in the world, and it’s the one thing you can’t put down to Trump.
It’s a reeking, rank conspiracy known as the Sports Bar.
Try to buy a ute without one. Go on. I dare you.
A top unit. Got all the features. Got the big wheels. Got the Towing Pack. Got the Driver Assist. Got the Sports Bar, of course.
I don’t want a Sports Bar.
Of course you do.
Of course I do not.
What? Everybody loves sports bars.
Only posers love sports bars.
(shocked spluttering)
They just take up room and get in the way.
But…
And look. It’s lower than the roof. Try to carry any timber or steel, or a ladder, and it’s going to ding the roof.
You could buy a cargo rack.
And why do they call them Sports Bars. What sport are they used for? Tethering polo ponies or hot air balloons? Stick a surfboard or fishing rod on it and the front would tip up so high you could never get in the underground parking.
But they look sporty.
Sam Kerr looks sporty. That doesn’t mean she’d be one bit of use lugging timber or steel.
Well, our market research shows that women are a hot demographic for sports bars. They go for the ballsy look.
Ballsy?
Yep.
Women go for stiletto heels.
What does that mean?
Just thought I’d throw it in there.
Yeah. I don’t get it either, mate.
So, what deal can you do me on a Rager without a Sports Bar.
No can do.
???
This special End of Runout $5000 Off Mega Spesh Deal only applies to the EXY model and above, and they all come with the Sports Bar.
Can I take it off and sell it back to you?
Doesn’t work that way.
(Defeated) Oh, very well. You got one in white?
No, only Thrust Grey, Bold Grey, and Whiteout.
Whiteout. Is that a bit white?
No, it’s a lot grey.
Good grief!
Look, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but if you want to remove the Sports Bar you need to get yourself some Torx Plus bits, and use a heat gun to melt the Loctite. Otherwise, if you use ordinary Torx you’ll strip the heads off the screws. Our workshop does very good business removing Sports Bars after idiots, sorry, owners, have stuffed it up. Oh, and you’ve got to drill a hole in the tub liner to get at the screws.
!!!!!!
Well, there you have it, my blistering expose of the Sports Bar abomination. If you take issue, if you can identify anything useful about a Sports Bar, please put it in the Comments for me to scoff at.
A lesson to us all
Bullgoose.