Chez Piddens. A banging on the front door
Big Minch trots to answer it.
A loud voice: “Where is she? Where is she?”
“Hey, well, erm” (yells) “Mum? It’s for you.”
“Hello. Can I help you?”
“Where is she? I know you’ve got her!”
“I’m sorry. Who? Who have I got? (Psst, Minchy, get your father!)”
“Fondant.”
“Fondant?”
“Fondant! As you well know, as if butter wouldn’t croach a marmoset. Don’t play silly badgers with me. I’ve been down that ferret hole too many times and been scammed up by experts until my artridges clogged up and cried Uncle!”
“Are you having a heart attack or… something?”
“No! I want Fondant!”
“Who is Fondant?”
“Stop this deja vu tripe-shenanigan. Fondant! Fondant! Fondant Chandelier. My Jackpot Princess. Give her back. She’s mine!”
“There’s no one here by that name. (Wes!)”
“So, you’re trying to stiff the big boy, eh? Nobody crosses Frenchy Fargas. You’ll regret it. Oh yes. There’ll be a hot time in the old town tonight. That’s how I roll. I walk the line, Missy, and it’s my way or the high hemline on the down low.”
Wes appears, at last.
“Mate, I’m going to ask you to take a step back and click the thermostat down a notch or two, OK?”
“Yip yip yip! It’s the Bigfoot!”
“Look, mate. My wife is looking worried. OK, worrying is a hobby of hers, but I think she feels a bit threatened. Are you feeling threatened, Allie?” (puts his arm around her)
“Are you kidding? On a scale of ten? Oh, about twenty-seven and a half!”
“Yep, she’s feeling threatened, and I can’t be having that.”
“Threatened? Threatened? My fat artichoke! She looks strong enough to strangle the Banshee, sure enough. And you, hiding behind a woman’s apricot strings and scoffing down Hoadleys Violent Crumble Bars afraid your sarcophagus will heal over if you give it a moment’s rest. Nobody crosses Frenchy Fargas.”
(Wes is over it)
“Step. Back. Now!”
“Wah! I just want my Fondie Fondant back. I need her. Sure, she’s got a wandering eye, but who hasn’t? And maybe it’s just a lazy eye. I’ll have to check that out. She holds my world together. She knows the exact sort of tinfoil to buy.”
“Tinfoil?”
“And she takes no sass from the CentreLink man. Plus, she lets me leave the seat up, which saves a lot of time if you’ve got a bladder like mine.”
Allie is unimpressed. “Oh, here we go!”
“Mate, you’re agitated. I can see you’ve got a lot on your mind, but I swear to you on my mother in law’s bank balance that there has never, ever been anyone called Fondue here.”
“Fondant! Fondant!”
“Yeah, sorry. Fondant. No Fondant here.”
“Wah!”
“OK, so this is me telling you that you have to leave right now. I can give you a hotline number to call if you like, but you gotta hit the frog and toad, pronto.”
“So that’s how it stands? Well, this is me going. You can stick your hot chat line up your fridge magnet. You’re lucky I don’t come back juggling rats to hypnotise your dog. You won’t forget Frenchy Fargas!” (leaves, at the trot)
“You OK, Allie?”
“Yeah, just wasn’t expecting a home delivery from Fruitcakes R Us. Can’t you razz those dogs up a bit to make them more vicious?”
(Big Minch has a question) “Is he mad, or bad, or both?”
(Wes has an answer) “It’s hard to know, Mate. He’s got issues, for sure.”
“What’s the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath?”
“Easy. A psychopath is built to make it safer for people riding bicycles.”
“What?”
“Whereas a sociopath generally leads to an outdoor entertainment area. Hahahaha!”
“Whatever. Thanks a bunch, Dad.”
(A banging on the door. Wes’s dander is up now)
“Right, leave him to me. Knock up a tinfoil turban. Frenchy Fargas is about to enter the Space Race with a size sixteen boot scoot fair up his Cape Canaveral!”
(Flinging the door open) “What?!?”
“Where is he? Where’s my Frenchie? I know you’ve got him.”
“What?”
“So, you’re trying to stiff the big girl, eh? Nobody crosses Fondant Chandelier. You’ll regret it. Oh yes. There’ll be a hot time in the old town tonight. That’s how I roll. I walk the line, Mate, and it’s my way or the HiLux ute on the bug burner. Give him back, he’s mine. Yip, yip, yip, yaroooo!”
A lesson to us all.
Bullgoose
and then