Now see here, Bullgoose, those footballers muckings-about in drugs and all the biffings and sexual caper texts, and anyone can be a Queenslander and whatnot, can’t you reform the NRL?
Well, OK, yes. I’ll get around to it, but honestly I’ve been a tad downhearted lately, all lip-down and jaunt-less, on account of the mockery made of my reforms to golf. Oh, the amateur game has never been better, since I re-mandated plus-fours and tam o’ shanters, but now that the ‘pros’ have sold out to the murdering, amputating, woman-hoarding, blue-bearding family of so-called Blue Bloods who rule a certain Gulf State, the professional tour bears no more resemblance to sport than bear-baiting, cock fighting or a Hopoata Thumb Probe.
Now please, hold off on the Beyond Blue fridge magnets. I’m OK. I am. I’ve turned the corner, and in fact I’m going one-up: I’ve actually invented a new sport.
Why another sport? Lotsa reasons. One, we can’t go on knocking each other about and legitimising aggro. Two, we’ve got to get sport away from big money and gambling, and Three, I felt like it.
And so, I give you Bullgoose Tugalong®, or Tugalong for short.
Simple requirements
Two teams. A reasonable number of players on each. A big, heavy thing to tug. It will be known as The Bastard, The Bugger or The Tuggeral. It should be what Lovey Piddens would describe as a sulky brute with sleddy runners on the bottom to limit damage to playing fields. Some sturdy straps for tugging it.
The field must be flat. Footy field, cricket pitch, beach or backyard etc. Indoors tricky, but not impossible.
The Match
Teams start with 20 points each.
The Tuggeral is moved to the centre of the field.
After a coin toss, the toss winner gets first tug.
First tugger takes up the strap.
The ref blows a whistle/ drops a hanky/ discharges a firearm/ farts loudly and yells “Tug!”
The clock starts.
Tugger has 30 seconds of tugging towards their Tug Line.
When time is up, a second tugger joins in, but the score drops to 19.
After 30 seconds, a third tugger joins in, and the score drops to 18.
This procedure continues with more tuggers joining in until the Tuggeral crosses the Tug Line, or until 5 minutes have elapsed.
Crossing the Tug Line earns the team 20 points, plus they keep any points remaining from their original 20.
Team Two takes over the Tuggeral wherever it lies after 5 minutes or when the line is crossed.
When Team Two’s tug is over, the ref calls “First Tugaround done!”
After a certain number of Tugarounds you’d have half time.
The Tuggeral is placed on the centre line at Half Tug (Half Time).
Then Team Two would “kick off” (tug off) to start the second half of the match, and that evens up the distances.
Thus Team Two starts under the same conditions as Team one faced.
One advantage of Tugalong is that wind assistance is not an issue, and because only one team is on the ground at a time there can’t be any dirty play.
You know it’s making sense.
The number of Tugarounds in a match is set beforehand.
The team with the most points wins.
Results MUST be kept secret, so that betting agencies can’t get in on the act. Penalties for blabbing are not set out, but they must be harsh. Way harsh.
Rooting
Every tug by every player must be applauded by everyone: Oooh, Nice tug; Top tugging or You tugged a blinder, Mate.
Sledging
No sledging at junior matches.
Sledging is not necessarily frowned upon, but it should be the right sort of sledging.
Tuggers are prohibited from sledging while tugging. All sledging must be carried out from the sidelines.
Sexual, racist, ageist, phobic and anti-vaccinal sledging is right out.
In particular, mothers are not to be impugned or derided. Of course, cheery salutations, such as, “Say hello to your mother for me” are quite all right.
Examples of legal sledges:
He’s tugging like a winded bandicoot.
She’s no better than she ought to be.
Please, somebody, put them out of their misery!
Budgie smugglers? Give me a break!
Your sister drives a pickle wagon.
You hopeless, witless, spineless tuglets couldn’t pull the skin off a rice pudding facing downhill!
Touch Judge
Touch Judge has two jobs:
Make the call (Hoy Hoy Hoy!) when the Tuggeral has completely crossed the line.
Judge the sledging: The five best sledges are chosen. A point for each sledge goes to the sledger’s team of choice.
Well, that’s it for now. I’ve hit the word count, and rules is rules.
Now get out there, start tugging and send me your feedback C/- The Indy. These rules aren’t perfect. There will need to be tweaks and modifications, and it’s up to you to make them.
A sporting lesson to us all.
Bullgoose
and then