The Piddens marital bed. Darkness.
Oy oy oy!
Arrrgh!
Oy oy oy oy oy!
Brrrfftnnn!
Arrrgh!
Wes, shut up! You’ll wake the chooks. You and your bloody nightmares.
Wes kicks and flicks at the bedclothes snagged on his big toe.
Arrrgh! Cramp! Cramp! Oy oy oy!
Oh, here we go. Alice is micro-fractionally sympathetic. Careful, Oafy-One Kenobi, you’re kicking off the bedclothes.
I’m trying to get up and stretch it. Arrrgh! Wes’s mighty leg has become a 30kg anchor of agonising uselessness impeded by a twisted sheet.
Brrrfftnn! Brrrfftnn! Arrrgh! Oy oy oy!
He finally gets it dragged off the bed and stands up.
Arrrgh! Arrrgh! Right. Let’s leg it!
Wes sets off limping around the house to walk off the cramp. He has a set route which combines maximum distance with minimum toe-stubbing on furniture in the darkness. After seventeen laps he returns and thumps back into bed.
Right. Where was I? Zzzzzzzzzz.
Wes. Wes. Wake up.
Zzz, hnk?
Listen, Dumb Ox. That’s it. Tomorrow, wait (noticing the incipient sunrise), today I’m gonna buy you some magnesium tablets and, so help me, you’re going to take them.
Magnesium? Magnesium! Spare me!
I mean it, Wes.
Voodoo quack medicine rip-offs! See here, Allie, can you please outline to me, in thirty words or less, what you understand The Placebo Effect to be?
If it gets me some uninterrupted sleep, I’m all for a placebo.
Pffft! There are in fact two Placebo Effects. The first is named after the Spanish tenor, Placebo Domdingo and it describes the way women will perspire, twitch, twirl their hair around their ear and generally get hot and bothered when they hear a male singing high and pash-ionate.
Oh really?
Yes. The voice has got to be high and pained. Bulls are gigantic brutes, but their bellowing is high-pitched, ‘Ma-oo ma-oo ma-oo ma-oo ma maooooow-h!
Keep it down, Wes!
Is it working? (sniggers)
Emphatic silence.
Same with roosters… ‘Cock-a…’
Save it!
Oh. OK, so combine that with the way a woman always has her ears primed to detect the cry of a baby, and together that explains the lady-appeal of cats like Placebo Domdingo, Robert Plant, Bruno Mars, Tiny Tim, Billy Idol, Billie Eilish – no, wait… and Farnsy.
Wow, you really know how to impress yourself, don’t you?
Thank you, Alice. The other Placebo Effect is where patients report feeling better even though the ‘medicine’ has no effect on the disease.
So what?
So, you’re trying to make me take magnesium tablets. No research exists that shows magnesium tablets can prevent cramps. So, what, you’re hoping that the Placebo Effect will make me feel that I’m not having a cramp? Ha!
You’re playing with words.
No, the vitamin supplement industry is playing us for suckers.
Reckon?
“May prevent the pain of muscle cramps”. What does that mean? “May.”
Aliens may land in a warp-speed squadron of Nissan Cedrics and monster you with an atomic probe.” “The Sydney Harbour Bridge may turn into a strawberry balloon, take off, and fart fairy floss all over Dapto.” “Miranda Kerr, Beyonce, Pistol and Boo may all propose marriage to me on the same day”. But don’t worry: Plonkmores may have a pill that may prevent all this from happening.
You’re getting worked up.
You’re getting worked on by the supplement-mongers. They make all these spurious claims, all the time shielding themselves with the “may” word. There oughta be a better law.
Look, Wise Guy, there must be something that works.
Actually, there’s not. To date, no one’s come up with a cramp preventative that works.
It’s hard to research: cramps are sneaky buggers.
Well, that’s just not good enough.
Still, I know what’s likely to bring on a cramp. Getting up.
That’s just an excuse to sleep in.
No, getting up on things like, horses, bicycles, steep creek banks when you’re fixing floodgates, tippy toes… and ladders. They’re the sorts of thing that will bring on a cramp in the night.
Oh, no you don’t!
What?
You bloody well know you promised to start painting the eaves today. I don’t care if your whole body seizes up like an electrocuted wallaby. You’re going up that ladder!
Silence.
Silence.
Oy oy oy!
Arrrgh!
Oy oy oy oy oy!
Brrrfftnnn!
Arrrgh!
Cramp!
A lesson to us all.
Bullgoose
